I wish I could find people (in person) I really made sense to. Like a clique.
Cause most of the time when I meet people, we either end up not talking much or just don’t do much in common. People even tell me that I’m too weird sometimes. So then I try to lower that level down, and when I do, they say I’m not talking enough… It’s all good though, I’ll just keep my hopes up and maybe I’ll meet more people that understand.
i can’t wait to graduate, get a job, and consequently become successful in life. there is no better feeling in the world than proving to everyone that you can do all the things they told you that you could never do.
I went to a Gamestop to turn in a Playstation 2 slim that I had put towards a full preorder of Bayonetta for my brother to go with the 360 I bought him.
I noticed this raggedy looking kid that was poking around, looking real excited, and he turns to his mom, who’s wearing a grey sweatshirt with cigarette burns and grey sweatpants, obviously super poor. The kid goes “Oh wow, mom, look how cool this one looks!” and he picks up a copy of Gitaroo Man, for the PS2. I was pretty impressed, because that’s probably my second favorite game of all time.
His mom says, pretty gruffly, “That don’t look like it’ll fit in your Gameboy. That’s what we came here to get.” I guess they were Christmas shopping early. It made me kinda sad because the kid looked to be maybe 9 or 10, and he didn’t believe in Santa anymore. The kid looked kinda sad and put it back, then started staring at which GBA game he wanted.
I’ve been pretty depressed for the last couple weeks, but I was kinda happy that this was something I could do something about. So, I did. I turned around and bought the copy of Gitaroo Man, Metal Gear Solid 3 and Gungrave: Overdose (some of my favorite games) then I handed him the bag full of everything, the PS2, the two controllers I had with it and the games. He looked at me and asked why I did and told him, “Because Santa sent me.” And then I looked up at his mom and his mom was crying, and that made me cry, and I left Gamestop a blubbering mess.
I’m not the person you all think I am at school: happy, relaxed. Even though it doesn’t seem like it, I’ve changed a lot, not for the better but for the worse. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t talk to anyone at school or even at home. During lunch I study for all my upcoming tests. No time to talk to anyone. All I do is study when I get home and I don’t even have anytime to socialize or even do whatever I want. I only get an average of three hours of sleep a night. I’ve grown physically weak and I often feel that I just wanna collapse. I often think that what I’m doing is not enough and that I’m not good enough, compared to all the smart Asians at my school. I feel defeated since my best can never match the achievements of the others. I’m also depending on an NROTC scholarship. I don’t my parents to suffer financially for paying for my college tuition, room and board, etc. My dad could use his GI Bill to pay for college since he’s in the Navy, but I’d rather he use it for my sister. I just think that I’m over-stressing myself because I always think about the future, not my future particularly, but the futures of my future kids. What if I can’t provide enough for them? This thought always haunts me, because even though getting into the best school or getting a secure job somewhere seems like it’s for ourselves, but it really isn’t. Like our own parents, the rest of our life will be directed towards our children. I just want the best for them. So yes, I’m still me, physically. But, mentally, some other form has taken over me.